By Edwin A. Locke, Ph.D., and Ellen Kenner, Ph.D.
The so-called experts say that romantic passion cannot last—that it’s just based on hormones in the brain that deplete as the “honeymoon” period, the excitement of a new love, fades away.
We disagree. The secret to lasting romantic passion lies in knowing what makes romance thrive. For many, romance is infatuation—it is falling head over heels for someone based, typically, on one or two desirable qualities such as looks and charm. Such attractions do not last because they are too shallow.
True romance is based on loving the whole person, not just skin-deep but soul-deep. It’s a feeling of deep connection based on the sense that you share fundamental values, fundamental views about yourselves and the world. For example: Is the world a place of adventure or a place that inspires fear? Does each of you want to grow in your knowledge and skills or just stay the same? Do you feel “in sync” emotionally?
Here are seven secrets to making romance last a lifetime.
- You also need moral character: honesty, integrity, independent judgment, a sense of justice, earned pride in yourself.
- You need an ego. If you are selfless, there is nothing to love. A person with an ego has his own values, things he stands for, things he loves, things he wants for himself. Each partner needs to support the other’s values.
- You need also to share some common values—over and above moral values—things you both like to see and do together.
- You need compatible personalities—you don’t both have to be the same, but you need to mesh so that you make each other feel understood and appreciated.
- You need care about your appearance (without being vain).
- You need constant communication, which includes good listening and feeling understood.
- You need good sex, which means you need to learn how to give each other pleasure by telling each other what you like (and do not like). You need to learn to read each other’s moods and try to establish a positive emotional climate.
Are you starting to see what it takes to make a lasting romance? Hard work. If you know what love really is, not only will it last once you pick the right partner, but it will become deeper and more passionate as the years go by.
Edwin Locke, Ph.D., a world-renowned psychologist, andEllen Kenner, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and host of the nationally syndicated radio talk show The Rational Basis of Happiness®, have co-authored The Selfish Path to Romance: How to Love with Passion and Reason. Both are experts on Ayn Rand’s philosophy of Objectivism. For more information, visitSelfishRomance.com.
